stifling heat
I understand and don’t understand my brain. I had lunch with C., and I was happy the entire time. I really, really missed her. At the end of it, she asked if we could do this again soon. My mouth formed around yes, even as my brain actively sought to dismantle that plan step by step. We discussed possible dates while my brain worked through excuses for why those dates wouldn’t work after all. We giddily talked about restaurants while my brain tripped over itself to reject them. I can’t control the poison, even though the poison is me. Does this mean I want this or don’t want this? Am I lying to her or to myself?